It's official; I may now start humming Christmas carols. The holiday season--Christmas and New Year's Eve--used to depress me. For years, I would mope around like Scrooge's bad tempered sister, determined to suffer quietly, so as to induce guilt and concern from friends and family. I'd sit alone at any holiday season gathering, sighing quietly, until someone inevitably asked, "Are you okay?" I made a profession out of having the holiday blues.
Fortunately, I finally realized that what I enjoyed was the attention. I'm a drama queen; I want the world to revolve around me. Like so many insecure people, I need to constantly be reassured that I am valued. This realization didn't hit me like a thunderbolt from out of the heavens; it's more like it slapped me on the fanny after I had unloaded a ton of money sitting in a leather chair at my therapist's office. (You don't have to lie on a couch unless you want to do so.)
I gradually came to understand that what I thought of as self-sacrifice was more of a need to force everyone to acknowledge me.
"She's tireless; she's always ready and willing to help out; Poor dear, she never takes time for herself."
Sighing, I could trudge on, secure in the knowledge that although I was unworthy of love, friendship, etc., I was needed. (Sigh, sigh!) Fortunately, I discovered, after quite a chunk of money spent, that I didn't have to sigh and look pitiful in order for my friends and family to care about me. I also discovered that deep down, I like the holiday season.
I love Christmas carols and you can't really sing them except for about four weeks every year. People look at you strangely if you show up for karaoke night in July and sing The Christmas Song. In honor of the holiday season, I am posting a link for a favorite Christmas Carol that will change every few days. Today's selection is Aaron Neville's version of The Christmas Song . His CD, Aaron Neville's Soulful Christmas, includes wonderful traditional carols such as O Holy Night, Silent Night, and O Little Town of Bethlehem. Neville has an exquisite tenor voice that lends itself well to these beautiful carols; he also includes more contemporary titles such as Please Come Home fo Christmas and Let It Snow, Let It Snow.
I've also discovered how to get the attention that I need. ( A leopard doesn't change her spots!) Every year I host a holiday party with decorations, music, beverages and food! I search out new recipes each year and prepare them with loving care. My reward comes when my guests exclaim with joy over every tasty morsel. My Christmas bash also gives me an excuse to wear something with sequins; I really like glitter.
As this holiday season begins, I wish joy to all the lonely and unhappy people out there. I want you to know that you can find joy in this season of love and giving. To those of you who always find the joy in this season, please take a moment to reach out to others who struggle with depression that often worsens at this time of the year. Warm them with your comfort, cradle them in your joy, give to them of your spirit, help them find happiness in this season of peace and love.
6 comments:
Music, good food and sequins? I am SO there. <G> Umm, that was an invite, right? <G>
Stacy
Girlfriend!!! I love Christmas music, decorating the tree (except for the lights), baking, and wearing something glittery for the holidays as well. O Holy Night is one of my favorite Christmas songs. Today, my girlfriend invited me out shopping, and at 9:30 a.m., we drove to Four Seasons Mall in Greensboro. We shopped and talked, and ate lunch, and had such a wonderful time together catching up on each other's lives that we didn't get in the car to drive home until after 5 pm. It was a beautiful day. In recent years, I haven't looked forward to the gift buying, putting up the tree and then taking it down again, wrapping presents, driving to visit the family, cleaning up the mess afterward... in recent years, I've been a bit of a pessimist due to sheer exhaustion. From Thanksgiving until New Year's Eve, it seems I'm on a downhill rollercoaster ride that loses its thrill because I'm afraid I'm going to fall out and not be able to get back up again. But this year, I'm going to do it differently. This year I'm going to do what it takes to please me. My theory is that if I do what pleases me first, I will indirectly please others. I will not worry about money, and I won't buy anything I don't want to buy. Today, I spent some money, but did not buy anything I didn't want to buy... I did not let those thoughts that "I have to get so and so something" direct my decisions. Today, I am tired only from the walking I did at the mall, not from the mental conflict of interest that comes from trying to remember everyone and his cousin. I felt joy in my heart because I know I can help a few people I know who are lonely, who are grieving for the loss of a loved one who won't be here for the holidays, rather than buying gifts for people who I know don't need another candleholder, box of candy, or kitchen utnesil. I'm going to do like you said, help them find the happiness in this season of peace and love. Bea
http://beta.journals.aol.com/bgilmore725/Wanderer/
You're a very lucky woman to have had successful therapy. I have been in and out of therapy for well over twenty years and I worse off now. No one has been able to help me, no shrinks of any kind. My current therapist says that since I'm already aware of the sources of my depresssion, dredging them up won't make any difference. I beg to differ, but I'm not paying him; my insurance is.
Many years ago, I used to like the Christmas holidays. I had begun establishing my own personal traditions; baking special cookies and cakes from scratch. I don't bother anymore. You have to have the Christmas spirit to do all that work and I don't. But I'm happy for you. You're a success story and I'm sure you're proud of that.
'til next time
D
Sheria,
You gotta go see Santa Claus 3. What a fun movie, and by the way.....I love Aaron Neville. He was one of my Mother's favorite singers too. Bam
http://journals.aol.com/reconcilinglife/reconciling-life/
What a wonderful idea - throwing a party for everyone. You get to do what you enjoy - entertaining - and everyone gets joy out of what you do for them! I used to get more excited about Christmas than I have the last few years, the only reason being that there is no money to spend on my kids. But, I can't complain - we have never been without and God provided for them last Christmas! I do love the music, the feeling of the season and the lights enchant me (we don't have houses dressed up in South Africa like they are here). Have a blessed season! Hugs, Caroline
http://journals.aol.com/caromarls/ANewAdventure
The only thing that helped me to not want others attention is that most I know have too many issues to admire them enough, to want it...lol....Probably sounds bad, but unless its a normal, sound, giving person, I could care less. I learned to be picky about who I wanted to think of me as worthy. -Raven
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