Another Journey into the Twilight Zone of Online Dating

It's the time of year when little children are dreaming of dancing sugarplums and I'm dreaming of a date for New Year's Eve.  I've never seen a sugarplum and I can't recall the last time I had a New Year's Eve date, but each year, I still ask Santa to bring me one; the date, not the sugarplums. I decided to do a Google search, and discovered a great many recipes for sugarplums. Some of them actually have plums in them. There is also apparently a variety of plums know as "sugar plums," but I should have ordered them in August; they have a very short ripening season.

No more visions of sugarplums dancing, it's time to return to the dating issue. My subscription to eharmony.com expired one week ago and I have elected not to renew it. I think that I first signed up with eharmony about 18 months ago. My first subscription was for six months ($173.70) and my second was for 12 months ($251.40). Even though the first six months didn't yield great results, naturally I renewed for 12 months because it was a better bargain.  I own lots of stuff that I don't need or use because it was a bargain.

So when my eharmony subscription expired last week, I decided to be strong and ignore all the renewal reminders that I've received over the last three months. As a result, eharmony has pulled out all of the stops. I've received an average of five matches per day since my subscription expired.

Eharmony is evil and tricky; they send me the matches, allow me to read their profiles but if I want to communicate with any of them, I have to rejoin. Get thee behind me, eharmony, I will not succumb to temptation!

I just spent the last hour perusing my new matches. (It can't hurt to look!) It was a good use of my time because it reminded me of why I have decided to forsake my eharmony membership. If you have never used eharmony, then you may not have heard of its 29 key dimensions of compatibility. By matching those dimensions, eharmony is able to match you with your potential soul mate. It's a scientifically proven method of matching and eharmony is the only service to use it. Stop laughing, I also still believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Oral Roberts.

I'd like to share some highlights from my scientifically selected matches. The names have been changed to protect me from potential liability. First I read Paul's profile. He's divorced, 6 ft, age 56 and he doesn't want more children. This is a good thing as my womb doesn't want any either on account of this menopause thing. One of the profile questions asks, "What is the most important thing you are looking for in a partner?" Paul is honest; his response--appearance. However he is "not a superficial person" and he wishes that the one thing that more people would notice about him is "his sense of caring." The one thing about him that only his best friends know is that he's "sensitive." I can't image how he's managed to keep his sensitivity and caring under wraps for all these years.

Then there's Larry, Harry, Sean, and Dave, all clearly very busy, as they didn't have time to answer all the questions, responding to 40% of the questions. Who knows, I may be compatible with all of them but alas, I'll never know!

Some of my matches are quite talented. For instance, there's Jason who, in response to the question to share something only his best friends know about him, shared that he can tie a knot in a cherry stem with his tongue. I would be more impressed except that I can do it myself and I don't need any more cherry stems with knots in them. (If we ever meet face to face, just ask, provide the cherry and I will demonstrate my talent. I forget why I worked at mastering this skill but I was in college when I perfected it.) 

I like Charles, who is most passionate about two R's--reading and rollercoasters.  However, I'm not one for rollercoasters. After a particularly perilous ride in my 20's I promised God that if She allowed me to survive that I would never plop my fanny on another rollercoaster ride. However, I took his interests in such as indicative of his adventuresome nature. I also liked his response to the query regarding what do only his best friends know about him: he once showed Mel Blanc the location of the restroom at Cal Poly University Union. He sounds funny and charming but I'm sticking with my resolve to refrain from paying for a man ever again. I will not renew! Charles, if you are reading this, call me!

I can't end without mentioning Ken. I'm pretty certain that English is not his first language based on his use of language in his responses. I don't say this as a put down; I can only imagine what my own responses might inadvertently say if I were to write them in French, a language that I once spoke with some fluency but that I haven't made use of for 20 years. The final question asks if there is any additional information that you want your potential match to know about you. This is Ken's answer exactly as written: "I believe when someone is in stage of choosing him or her, there should be accurate knowledge about criminal sexual history of their partner. So that there is least chance of getting a partner with objectional background."

I think that Ken and I would get along just fine, as I don't have a criminal sexual history, at least not to my knowledge.

For the next couple of weeks, the music will be of the holiday kind. First up is Christina Aguilera singing Merry Christmas, Baby. If the music doesn't begin automatically, just click the song title to hear it.

Tags: eharmony.com, online dating, New Year's Eve, men, humor, Christina Aguilera