How Do They Know?

As if I don't have enough concerns, I now need to worry about my ear lobes sagging.  I've been worried about other parts of my anatomy giving in to gravity since I turned 40 but I had never given my ear lobes a second thought until I read my e-mail last night.

"Ear lobes saggy, no problem try ear lifts."

I called my sister.  "Are my ear lobes saggy?"

"Why do you ask?"

Actually she said, "Why in the hell are you calling me to ask about your ear lobes?"

Clearly, she had not heard of this phenomenon, so I read the ad to her or at least tried to do so but, she was busy.  "I need to clean something.  Got to go."

I decided to save enlightening her about the saggy ear lobe matter for when she had more time and wasn't busy cleaning something. 

I went back to reading my email.  Hmmm, Have a Healthy Baby.  I decided to delete the item without reading it.  I'm pretty certain that I'm not pregnant.  I have a vague memory of the activities that one engages in that result in pregnancy and let's just say that I haven't been active in a long time.  My memory is sometimes faulty but I think I would remember.

I read on and was touched by the number of people that want to help me with my love life.  I had three emails from Mate1, addressing me by name.  "Sheria, tired of being single?"  I felt so special. 

Real Mature Single got right to the point, "Are you single and over 50?"  I was a bit put off by the over 50 part as my mother taught me that it's never polite to discuss a woman's age, however the lovely photo in the ad made it clear that RMS considered the over 50 set to still be a lot of fun.  Of course, I've never really wanted to ride in a wheelbarrow.

As I continued to read my email, I was overcome with all the readily available assistance in my mailbox.  Mature Singles Only clearly was to be taken seriously.  It connects you with real people ( as opposed to non-real people).  When I visited the website, a young woman in a stylish black pant suit spoke of the many benefits of joining MSO.  She sounded vaguely British, sort of like Madonna's adopted accent.  I think it was meant to convey her sincerity.

I was a bit depressed at the number of people concerned about my weight but I decided that they were only reminding me that I'm fat for my own good.  Of course, I already have my mother to remind me of many things for my own good, but I suppose one can never have too much reminding. 

I barely made the cut for Hoodia.  The ad invites women between 23-51 only to sign up to receive Hoodia, the new weight loss pill that works by making you not feel hunger.  On the website, another earnest young woman dressed in black warns that the supply of Hoodia is rapidly dwindling and that only people with more than 15 pounds to lose may receive an order.  It's free except for the $6.95 shipping charge.  I think that wearing black makes one appear to be truthful.

I was excited to see the offer for a free membership at Curves.  I've decided that this is the year that I get serious about exercise, and I followed the link!  Alas, I get a free membership only if I fill out 123 offers and if my name is drawn.  Maybe Denzel Washington will ask me out if I wait long enough or maybe I'll win a free membership to Curves first.

I almost didn't open the Detox Footpatch email but curiosity got the best of me.  According to the ad, Verseo Detox Footpatch is an all natural patch that removes heavy metals and other toxins from your system while you sleep.  As if saggy ear lobes aren't a big enough worry, now I've got a body riddled with toxins and heavy metals.  How am I supposed to sleep?

I called my sister back to share all that I had learned from my emails. 

"Are you done with your cleaning, because I've got to tell you about this foot patch thing!"

"Yeah, I'm done cleaning but I need to go floss.  Call you later."

Maybe she'll call today.

A little music from Corinne Bailey Rae, Put Your Records On

Tags: online dating, Hoodia, Curves, finding love, humor, spam, junk mail, marketing